Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Most Bitter Pill of All

Lee Ann here:
Terry has been out of the hospital for more than a month, resting at home in hopes of getting better. We have been tending to him with healthy meals, medications, massage, and lots of good conversation.


It's been a busy month for the whole family. Terry's parents stayed until the 22nd (a generous gift of six weeks!) and have made a quick trip home to OKC. They will return soon. Dale and Jace are rushing toward the end of the school year, in the flurry of activities that signifies the approaching summer.

On May 16, Terry kissed Dale goodbye as he left for his first official high school prom, donning a brand new tuxedo. Dale wore his father's cummerbund, cuff links, braces, and bow tie (the real thing, of course). Our elder son looked like a young James Bond! --Pictured here with Terry's mom, Joan

Jace and Ed (Terry's dad) took a tour of the Indianapolis Colts practice facility recently, thanks to a connection through my brother, Jay. They saw Peyton Manning's locker, stood behind the media podium, and posed on the practice field. They returned home bearing horseshoe goody bags for everyone. Terry loved looking at the photos and hearing about the tour, taken on the hallowed ground of his beloved Blue.

We have all been doing our part to make Terry comfortable and nurse him back to health. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, Terry deteriorates a bit more each day. He is still the loving, funny man that I fell in love with 23 years ago, but the light is leaving his beautiful eyes. He gets confused frequently and his memory is failing. Also the verbal zingers Terry is famous for have become few and far between.

We have adapted our living room to accommodate Terry's hospital bed where he spends his days; at night, I sleep in a trundle bed next to him. The fog that surrounds him is so very frustrating and it breaks my heart to see him founder this way. He sleeps the vast majority of the day and struggles through his limited waking moments with his typical courage and good humor.

Terry's oncologist has determined that the symptoms Terry is experiencing signify that the tumor continues to grow rapidly and there is nothing more to be done to combat his cancer. The nurse service that we use now to monitor his health and control his pain concurs. They all feel that we have limited time left.

So we
try to respond as best we can to his needs and requests and embrace each moment. This morning when he woke up, he wanted champagne; so we popped open a bottle, poured it into a flute (do it up right), and he enjoyed a glass of the bubbly. There's very little I'll deny him now...

And while I write these words with an unbelievably heavy heart, I know that you all have been with us every step of the way and we don't feel alone. Terry's family, my family, our neighbors and friends have been and continue to be a tremendous source of strength to the four of us. Terry was always so grateful to have so many people care about his fight for health. It has been humbling to see the outpouring of concern. Thank you for all of your encouragement, love, and unfaltering faith during this two-year roller coaster.

You should know that, months ago, Terry wrote the last entry for this blog and saved it on this computer. I've never peeked at it, nor will I.


But, when the time comes, that will be the next entry you read here--from the Melonthumper, himself.


Love,

Lee Ann

99 comments:

Guenveur in Kent said...

I can only say that I admire you both for your courage and teh eunbelievable strength you have mustered. Terry, favorite nephew, is a shining light and he always will be.
Much love to all of you.

Strude86 said...

Lee Ann, Jayce, Dale, and Terry--

To lighten a friend's burden

To heal wounded hearts

To treasure every moment

and to know that so many of us uphold you all in every possible way...

and to remember that what is to come may be a separation, but is really only an interruption

of love

that goes beyond life itself

David & Jennet
Julia, Cullen & Rachel

Strude86 said...

with apologies to Jace for the added 'y'...

Heather Wingenroth said...

Sending thoughts of love, comfort and strength your way.

-Heather Wingenroth

Russ said...

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

David R. Murray said...

I'm just devastated. So glad all the Harpers are surrounded by so many loving friends and family. Best wishes from Alejandro & me in Syracuse.

Mike Burrell said...

Words fail, but I just wanted to say that I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

brooke said...

all my love and prayers to you.

Adrian Uribarri said...

I'm sorry, for all of us.

SallyB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SallyB said...

Words fail me here. All I can say is that you've all fought the good fight with humbling courage and strength, and I am devastated that the outcome hasn't been what we had all hoped and prayed so hard for.

Know that you are all loved beyond measure, and we'll all be here for you through the rest of this journey and beyond.

Love and hugs to all,
cousin Sally in Ohio

Geoff Davis said...

Words, too, fail me. Know that all of you are in our thoughts and prayers. You are all so strong!

Keep up your classroom visits, Jace. I enjoy them. Dale can stop by, too.

Geoff

Unknown said...

I have no words. There is nothing remotely adequate to say.

Terry is the wittiest, sharpest person I have ever known. I fear the use of "you guys" and cringe when someone answers a question directed to someone else. I'll never pass "Bar Detour Bar" or Si Green's without wanting to stop, just for the adventure of it. I still don't understand the chicken and waffles combo. What I think of most, though, is his obvious and abundant love for his family. The four Harpers of Middle Drive are a gift to us all. Much love to you.

Alpha said...

Terry, Lee Ann, Dale and Jace,

Your strength and love have been amazing. Our family has hoped and prayed for a different outcome. My family in Nebraska has followed the Mellonthumper and prays for his health. We will keep praying. Our love to your family. (See there, Terry is wold famous in Nebraska)

Rich

Christine Tatum said...

Tears. Tears. Have shed lots of tears today. I'm so sorry.

Expat Hausfrau said...

I agree that you are both completely heroic people. My heart has been heavy for quite some time in worry about all of you, my Favourite Cousin in particular. I long to see his twinkling blue eyes and hear his witty comments again. The past few days I have been going over stories with my family about his visits, the things that made us all laugh. One thing I will never forget is when Terry, Dale and I all started to sing, "America The Beautiful" in the Deutsches Museum, causing Ellie to yell at us. Also when we all went out to a raucous dinner and Terry said to the waiter, "You will have to excuse my loud American friends." And Terry singing Aunt Mary Lu's songs on the S-bahn. Or "The Chicken Song" with Jace and Dale, the latter playing my uke. Terry picking up Ellie's out of tune kiddy guitar and singing, "Something." I could go on and on...

Dan and Laurie said...

Lee Ann, Jace, Dale and Terry,

We are very saddened by the news regarding Terry's condition. Please know that we are praying for and thinking of you during this difficult time.

With much love and admiration from Paris...

Dan, Laurie, Brad, Katherine and Carly
xoxo

1A said...

Thinking of you and your family ... an SPJ member in Iowa.

Nathan Anderson said...

My thoughts and prayers with the entire Harper family in this most difficult time. Prayers for comfort, fond memories, and most importantly love. Peace and Harmony - in the bonds of brotherhood . . .

SallyB said...

In case you're curious, it was me who deleted my comment - too filled with bad typos that I should have previewed before posting. That'll teach me to try to type late at night when my fingers aren't working so good, my eyes are tired and I am just flat out exhausted from a long day....

I feel like pulling out and listening to "A Whiter Shade of Pale" by the Procol Harum just about now, because it evokes fond memories of when the Harpers lived on Hood Drive in Canfield back in the late 1960's.....flying kites in that open field near the Harper home (probably no longer there), going to the Canfield Fair (and in particular, the one night we went to the demolition derby), the basement of the Hood Drive home - so many old memories resurfacing of playing with Tim, David and Terry while Uncle Ed, Aunt Joan and my mom talked......

Anonymous said...

Terry's guidance, help and friendship has been immeasurable since I have joined SPJ. He is one of the funniest men I have ever met, and I wish I could have half the wit he has. I also wish I could have his duck pin bowling skills. Thinking of you with many smiles and much laughter. Kara Sassone... or is it Matuszewski... it always confused you, Terry.

Ann Coggin said...

Dear Harper family - you are in my thoughts and prayers as you face this chapter with the courage and perseverance you have each one up til now. I've never been in your exact shoes, but this is very much how my sweet sister-in-law, Alli, ended her brave fight with melanoma. As I was with her during that time, I remember it as the most heartbreaking, intense, exhausting, and sacred time of my life. I pray that God would uphold you through this time as He did us. Much love to you all. Ann

Carl Bello, D.V.M. said...

Although words seem hollow and I don't know what to say...I am deeply saddened at the worsening of Terry's condition. I have been both inspired and humbled over the past months, not only by Terry's and Lee Ann's courage, but at the outpouring of love and support of his many friends and family.
Please know that my love and my prayers continue in this sadness.

Anonymous said...

My heart is so heavy. I love you Lee Ann. Stephanie

Amy Harper said...

This news is hard to take. Dear favorite, most witty, sparkly-eyed cousin Terry, Lee Ann, Jayce, and Dale, I send healing prayers, blessings, light and love your way. It's speeding from Yellow Springs west to Indianapolis and should be at your doorstep right now.

Kevin and Jenny said...

While we don't know each other, I found your blog when my wife began her journey at IU Med. God bless you and your entire family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

About Meena said...

I admire your family's strength, and I am sorry that you all have to go through this. I was blessed with the opportunity to get to know Terry during a week in Taiwan last year during which I came to appreciate the zingers only he could come up with. Reading his blog, I have come to get to know your family. You have an amazing bond and strength. My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always. Please don't ever hesitate to ask if there's anything I can do for any of you in the future. It's the least I can do for all you've taught me about family and about life.
Meena

Amy Harper said...

Favorite cousin Terry, Lee Ann, Jace, and Dale-Blessings, love, light, and healing to all of you. I'm keeping you front and center in my thoughts.

David Reed said...

Terry, I have always admired your strength of spirit and sense of humor. I remember how excited you were to read to me a line you had just penned in a email describing the stack of papers on your desk as larger than a "Dagwood sandwich." That line still makes me chuckle.

I wish you all the strength, courage, and humor you can muster as you fight this battle. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Patty Cottingham said...

Champagne for breakfast, a loving family supporting him...Terry's in very good hands. Blessings to all of you through this most difficult journey.

Anonymous said...

Lee Ann, Jayce, Dale and Terry,

I am saddened by the news regarding Terry's condition. I am praying and thinking of you during this difficult time.

Only good thoughts to Terry and his melon on a beautiful June day.

Mark Mittelstadt

ATIPaige said...

I am grateful each day I check your blog that it's still LeAnn's letter.........keep the faith.

Chad Stegemiller said...

Thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Harper Family in this trying time.

Julie Grimes said...

So many prayers for you all through this very, very difficult time. I am praying for God to bless each of you with a shining, beautiful moment in every day. A memory made or a kind word shared. A hand to hold. A smile to cherish. A peaceful moment of quiet rest. And much love to fill every moment.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9

Virtual Farmgirl said...

God be with you all. We're thinking of you here in Chicago.

Anonymous said...

Lee Ann, You are such a beautiful person, partner, mom. It's an honor to see from you, Terry, and your family how life's hardest experiences can be lived wth such strength, grace, and gusto. I wish you peace. Deirdre Stoelzle Graves, The Dart Society

SallyB said...

I just heard about Terry's passing today. I am devastated but glad that he is at peace at last. He fought the good fight with tenacity, humor, grace, strength and unbending courage and showed us all how to live life to the fullest, even in the face of a life threatening illness.

I miss him already, my beloved cousin. :-(

Phillilp said...

That was beautifully written and amazing. I am thinking about your family...

Aaron said...

May your soul rest in peace and may our paths cross some day soon. Your note is remarkable and our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Brain cancer is horrible and we hope that some day there is a cure!

Jenny Cremin Sellers said...

LeeAnn-after receiving your email yesterday, I've been trying to think of words to say, but I can't. Know I love you and my prayers are with you, the boys, and Terry's parents and other family.

Shut Up And Smile said...

What honesty!

"I never viewed this disease as a 'gift' or that I was on some kind of 'journey.' It just was," he said. "...I can't deny there were times when I felt down about the whole situation. Hell, who wants to die in their mid-40s? Not me."

Wish I had known him personally.

Anonymous said...

OMG, my heart goes out to you and your family..I just read the story of your husband, you were one lucky lady to have him as long as you did, his whole blog just kept me crying. God Bless you all

Anonymous said...

I cry as a stranger who can relate to this story of loss. But I smile with joy knowing how special and honored your family is for having such a wonderful husband, father and friend like Terry. So many of us never have half that experience if at all and we forget how lucky we are to have that love with us to carry us through our journeys like Terry so eloquently wrote. It's important to mourn but it's more important to smile and remember Terry and see him every day in everything you do and everything he loved around you and most of all inside of you because you are the legacy he has left and he is smiling now knowing that he was so successful. Sincerely, Paul (NJ)

http://rememberingpaulvalvo.blogspot.com/

onsongo said...

My family and I pray for you. As Terry Said, His love will always be with you. Very brave and caring man.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. You sound like a wonderful family. It is difficult to lose a loved one especially to cancer at such a young age. I myself lost my Father to brain cancer when he was just a young 52. I will be thinking about your family and wishing you the strength to get through this difficult time.

Marissa said...

My heart goes out to you Lee Ann and your family. I did not know Terry but I feel moved to reach out and send my love and prayers to you. I have felt the loss of my father recently and know the depths of your despair but in the end knowing that there a place where they can now rest brings a peace beyond the pain. I am touched and moved by your husbands strength and courage and as I wipe the tears from my face I pray for peace to fill you at this time. Always know that he is with you. My deepest condolescences to you all. Marissa

Marissa said...

My heart is heavy for your loss. I did not know Terry but I am moved deeply by his story of strength and courage. I send my love and prayers as I wipe the tears. May God bless you all and allow Terry this time to rest. I can feel his love for you now and know he will always be with you.

Marissa in Minnesota

Marissa said...

My heart is heavy for your loss and as I wipe the tears from my face I feel compelled to reach out and send you my deepest condolescences and love. I did not know Terry but as I read his story I was deeply moved by his courage and strength. I pray for peace to fill you all and to remember his vibrant life with laughter and happiness. May God cradle him in his loving embrace and rest like he never has before. With much love, Marissa in MN.

Anonymous said...

Your story, shows me an amazing dimension of humanity. I can only hope that I have as wonderful of a family around myself should I ever become ill

god bless your whole family

Charity said...

I just wanted to let you know that there are strangers in this world that are thinking of you.
Whatever higher being you believe in....I pray that they give you grace, compassion, strength and the love to get through this difficult time.

Just some Alaskans thinking of you.

Charity said...

I have not a clue who you folks are but wanted to let you know that there are even strangers out here thinking of you. I pray that God or whatever higher being believed in gives you grace, strength, and the love to get you through this difficult time.

Just some Alaskan friends.

BookingAlong said...

I'm crying as I type this, not wanting to see that final blog post -and yet inspired by it as well. My heart goes out to you. I won't say that I understand your exact grief because each person grieves uniquely (or so I believe) but I know the pain of loss and do believe that love endures. May the memories of Terry be a light in your life as you move forward.

Steven said...

You have exuded such strength and courage during this time. Thoughts and prayers during this time of need.

Anonymous said...

Lee ann,

My name is Maureen. I saw the post on the aol. mail page. I too lost my husband to cancer 7 years ago! I have 3 daughters 18, 20, and 21. back then I never thought I would get over it. I am praying for you, dale and jace. It is a long road but you all have already fought the hardest battle of all. Boys talk daily of your father keep in your every day activities. Its ok to be pissed off. but remeber what your dad's life was about and keep true to that! Maureen from Chicago

crivera said...

my god bless all of you through this difficult time.

crivera

Angie said...

Hello although our paths will never
Cross. I want to say that i was so
Touched when I read about your
Husband and very moved, You and
Your family are in my prayers.May God keep it's loving arms around
You and your family.

Yours Truly

Angie

Anonymous said...

Dear Lee Ann,

I am said to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

JC

Anonymous said...

THIS WAS SO HEART FELT AND BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER BACK IN 1999. SHE WAS SIX DAYS SHORT OF HER 49TH BIRTHDAY WHEN SHE PASSED AND I MISS HER EVERYDAY ESPECIALLY BIRTHDAYS MOTHERS DAYS AND HER FAVORIT HOLIDAY AND THAT IS CHRISTMAS. SHE PASSED FEB 9TH HER BIRTHDAY IS FEB 15TH. MY MOTHER HAD A TUMOR ON HER BRAIN AND THE NIGHT BEFORE HER SURGERY AN ANEURYSUM BURST. SHE LIVED FOR FIVE MONTHS IN A FETTLE POSITION HAVING TO BE FEED, BATHED EVERYTHING FOR HER. WITCH I WOULD LOVE TO BE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. WELL I'LL STOP AND I WISH YOUR FAMILY ALL THE BEST IN LIFE. GOD BLESS YOU AND I ADMIRE YOU AND ESPECIALY MR TERRY. HE'S AN ANGEL WATCHING OVER YOU ALL.

Laura said...

I realize my comment will be one of many and coming from a complete stranger you may find this a bit odd, but I admire your family beyond belief. As I looked at this blog all I could think to myself was "what love"... It jumps right off the page! I personally wish I had known your family long before now. I imagine we would have made great friends and possibly I could have helped you in some small way - everyone needs a shoulder, I learned this the hard way... God bless you Lee Ann for the strength you have remarkably shown and for rearing such a lovely family. And to the boys, you two have been forever blessed by a father that you can be proud of. Please continue to make him proud during all your days ahead. When you are ready to begin your new journey, I hope you will carry all this love and admiration in your heart forever. I am saddened for your loss, but grateful for the love you have once shared in this lifetime - it is rare and something even cancer cannot steal. Thank you for sharing your life with us...the hardest of moments, the happy times, and the humor. We have all been blessed in some way by what you've shared with us. You are truly special people. May you find peace in the days ahead. Love, Laura

jill said...

Lee Ann,

I write you with a heavy heart. I do not know your family or Terry, but am grieving with you. Words are difficult for me for many reasons. My beautiful husband is suffering from brain cancer and I feel as though our lives are parallel in many ways. Same cities, same doctors, same drugs.

Terry is so hysterically funny that I found myself laughing through my tears. I hope one day to meet you. I wish I could have met Terry too.

My deepest sympathy to all.

Conceptualcat said...

Shalom, sweet lady.

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